Dear Ron,

About a month ago, my girlfriend of 16 months decided to end our relationship. She gave many minor reasons which could be worked out, but the main reason she gave me was that she didn't want a relationship anymore and just wanted to be able to date and flirt with any guy she wanted to. I have tried coping with this but can't stop thinking about her. I also find myself depressed. I've tried doing things that will take my mind off of her but to no success. Part of the reason is because she said she wasn't sure if breaking up with me was the right thing to do but felt she had to do it. I want to get her back, but I don't know if there is anything I can do or what I should do.

In Need of Advice

 

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Dear In Need,

I know your pain, brother. I think I still have a carpet impression on my face from the last time I was dumped. It clobbers you, knocks you down and then starts eating you apart from the inside, making you softly moan in agony during the interminable day and wrench your sheets all night. Like several helpings of really bad chili.

Now, I’m going to tell you some honest, hurtful, wound-festering things, so suck in your gut and clench your fists. First, when she said she wasn’t sure about the breakup, she was mincing words to let you down easy. She’s sure. No matter how flowery her speech, “I don’t want a relationship anymore” and “I want to date and flirt with any guy I like” mean one thing: “Bye.” Her ax blow was a total cleave, so don’t let the semantics of pity fool you.

Secondly, you need a new girl—fast. And there are dozens, hundreds, thousands of women who will fit just as nicely as that one-and-only princess who just flushed you down the toilet. You’re experiencing what sex researchers term the “trapeze” effect, which means you’re going to keep swinging back to your ex until you grab onto the next trapeze rung and swing clear. So quick search today for another date!

Third, don’t feel the need to be “friends” with your ex just because she feels so bad about punting you. Unless you spent the first year of your relationship playing marbles, you two probably aren’t friends—you’re kaput lovers. It’s totally acceptable to say, “The basis of our association is hereby concluded,” to someone who did a Cuisinart job on your heart. If you actually could envision having a no-strings beer with this gal while she drones on about her new guy, good for you. Be nice as pie to your ex whenever she calls. This will just kill her!

Last prescription? Get back to your hobbies, your job, your friends, your normal life. No whining, no groveling, no poetic "I just have to get this last thing off my chest" letters. Put a sticky note on your phone that reads “NO!” Not only will this help you heal in jiffy time, but—in the .02 percent chance this scoundrel is really your Ms. Right—it’ll offer the best odds for her seeking a reunion.