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| Tips Section: Dating Safety & Privacy | |
| Lessons Learned the Hard Way |
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In
the old days, when traditional dating was the only avenue, things were
quite different. Along come the internet and dating and meeting
potential relationship prospects has opened up a whole new world. For
it’s few pitfalls, I still believe that online meeting is full of many
advantages. Most people are legitimate and sincere, and I’ve met
numerous great guys that I would not have otherwise had the opportunity
to meet. I will not review the basic safety tips such as meeting first
at a public place - most of those are common sense practicalities that I
assume you already know. Instead I offer my lessons learned the hard way
so that your online dating experience can benefit from my mistakes.
Lesson One: Always, Always Have a Separate Email Account for Dating Services and Talking With Those You Meet Online. Most online dating services recommend this (and I now understand this is for good reason). There are free services such as hotmail and yahoo, but, chances are, your email services probably allows several email accounts anyway. I find it easier to use a different email name under my main provider. Why does it make a difference you ask (as I’ve asked myself before I used my main email account to my detriment)? It’s nicer and easier to scan through a list of emails that only relate to your dating life than to have them interspersed with all your other emails. What if you accidentally delete an email from “the one” because it is in the middle of a long list of junk emails (yep, I’ve done this - though he wasn’t “the one”)? But, the biggest reason of all to have a separate email account is your address book - the one that has everyone you email. It is not a pretty site when you are forwarding *his* initial email with his profile to your girlfriend to see what she thinks too, and you accidentally click his name (or worse, another gentleman you are hoping to meet) and send your private thoughts out to an unintended party. By having a separate email account, you will know that whoever resides in that address book is a potential date (and really doesn’t want to hear your comments about other potential dates). It can save you from much needless embarrassment.
In another similar vein, never get in a hurry, and always, always, always, notice the difference between clicking “forward” and “reply with history” when trying to forward an email. You really don’t want to send his profile (with your comments intended for your friend) right back to him. You would think, of the numerous and seemingly pointless, “Are You Sure?” boxes clicked on each day, one would surely exist and pop up with a big “!” for “reply with history,” but, much to my dismay, there is none - you are on your own to notice and check. Lesson Two: If You Use AOL, Maintain a Master Screen Name Without a Profile That You Do Not Use. There are a few reasons for this if you use AOL or AIM to instant message or search for potential dates. Should you speak with someone, or meet someone, decide they aren’t for you, but just won’t go away, you can always delete the other screennames. If you use your master name, you will have to delete your whole account. I know that you can block them, but that’s not foolproof (there are still ways that they can know you are online). This also leaves your master name available for those times you need to be online to finish a work or school project, or something else that needs your full concentration. In this same vein, I will share with you another reason for such a master name. At one time, I was not an AOL member but decided to rejoin. I was, at that time, involved with someone romantically. Thinking it would be sweet and thoughtful I created a screenname that was both our names. You know, “TraceyandTheOne.” It seemed like such a good idea, and it was . . . that is, until we broke up. My only recourse was to close the whole account (since getting back together was no longer an option). Words cannot adequately describe the humiliation of explaining to the AOL representative (who unjustly will not let you slink off anonymously and cancel by email but instead require a phone call) just exactly why I no longer wanted my account as the gentlemen asked me all the preset questions. Finally, when I could no longer continue the inquisition as to why and what could be improved for me to enjoy the AOL service, I cracked under the pressure and acknowledged that unless AOL could somehow fix the fact that Tracey and The One were no longer Tracey and The One, then I could no longer enjoy my AOL experience with that master screenname. Then, I kid you not, the very kind and sympathetic AOL representative offered me four free months to find someone new and put The One behind me. Upon reflection, I decided to keep the master screenname (with the free months) as penance. It is now a mistake that I will never, ever forget. Lesson Three: Consider Using Your Home Phone Number Instead of Your Work Number or Your Cell Number. I’m sure that many of you, particularly women, are thinking that I am not being safe at this point. First, let me state, particularly for women, initial phone contact should involve you calling him first and blocking your number. But, once the point is reached the point where an exchange of phone numbers is comfortable, I prefer to use my home number. If you are single, your home phone number should not contain your address listing. If it does, you should call your phone company and remove it. This is the information age, and chances are, if someone has your full name, approximate age and your city, they can locate any listed phone number for you anyway. All it takes are a few clicks on the computer. As I stated, with or without your number, your address could be obtained, and, if someone really wants to invest the time or money, they can also trace you by your cell number. So when an exchange of numbers is made - I prefer my home number and here’s why: Previously, I was a work-only-number kind of girl. The problem with this is that should you choose not to see the individual again, or for whatever reason choose not to speak with them, you will look quite silly (as I have in the past) sitting at your desk allowing the phone to ring and ring and ring before going to voicemail. Do you really want to explain to others in your office (or your boss) why this particular call you are not taking? It’s not a very appealing position. And, although we all do it, business is business, and best to keep as much of your personal life personal as you can. Cell phones offer a similar problem (though less than a work number). Unless you keep your ringer constantly on mute, there will often be someone staring at you as you let a call ring until voicemail. Usually at home no one notices or cares if you let the phone go to voicemail. Lesson Four: Do a Preliminary People Search Before a Face-to-Face Meeting and a Background Check Before Investing Emotions In traditional dating, meeting individuals through friends and acquaintances, usually provided the added advantage of someone to talk to who knew them, would vouch for them, or tell you to stay clear of them. Consequently meeting people online is different, so how do you really know they are who they say they are? Most are just as genuine and sincere as you are, but if they are not, it’s best to know, before you invest your time and emotions. Many preliminary people searches can be done for free. Before a first meeting your goal should be to verify a home phone number, address and approximate age. There are several places to do this, but www.anywho.com is a great free service. If you lack the time, or live in a metropolitan area where it’s possible that there are several with the same name and age range as your romantic prospect, visit my website at www.pig-dogs.net and click on a people search link. For the price of a fast food meal, you can obtain names, phone numbers and addresses of every individual with your romantic prospect’s name for your city. Once you have found someone that you wish to date and a possibility exists that you could become serious or intimately involved, I urge you to do a background check. It sounds so much more complex and detailed than it is, and you owe it to yourself to double check the facts before investing your emotions and time into someone who isn’t being honest. They will never know you checked and the results can be available within hours. Bookmark my website for services that provide these checks. It can save you heartache down the road. Your emotions and feelings are well worth the expense. As women, we will spend money purchasing new shoes or a new outfit for a date and never think twice, and men will spend money on an actual date, but very few of us will take the time or expense to protect our hearts. This is another lesson learned I have learned the hard way. Though we didn’t meet in person, I expended a great length of time, energy, and invested emotions in a certain individual, only to find that he had lied about several key facts. If I had done a preliminary people search, I would have saved myself months of hoping and looking forward to meeting as I would have discovered something was amiss. It was only with a background search that I was able to know and avoid wasting any more of my time. The facts are always friendly, even if they don’t seem so at the time. These are just a few lessons I’ve learned the hard way. Hopefully, you can benefit from my mistakes and make your online dating experience the best possible. Have fun! Copyright 2003 Tracey Winfrey Tracey is an author and founder of www.pig-dogs.net ; A Different Type of Relationship Advice Site. Visit Tracey there to sign up for her newsletter, read her advice column, other articles and some other fun things. Or, you mail email directly at tracey@pig-dogs.net. View Photos of Singles .... Click here! Back to Top |
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