It’s an interesting and decidedly loaded question: Are you normal?

Whether you’re divorced, widowed or a lifelong single, if you’ve seen your fortieth birthday come and go and there’s no permanent romantic fixture in your life, the question inevitably plagues you. And harsh as it may sound, it masks a much more brutally undiplomatic question: What’s wrong with you?

Don’t ask yourself
Consider for a moment all the things that are right with you (and the countless women who also are in your position). You have a career. You maintain and quite possibly own your own home. You have active friendships and interests. You take care of your appearance and have not given up on dating. In other words, you haven’t been forced to settle for the wrong relationship out of financial necessity, and you haven’t put your life on hold waiting for love to come along to get it started.

You’re successfully independent. Sure, that can be lonely sometimes. But — and I speak from experience here — a bad marriage can be a thousand times more lonely.

Turning the tables
Let’s talk about this man you still hope to meet and are certain is out there somewhere. He’s divorced or otherwise single, too, and perhaps has been out of a good long-term relationship for as long as you have. He also is going out on a lot of first dates that fizzle, or at least fail to sizzle. Dozens of women have taken a pass on this guy who you’re going to think is the most amazing man you’ve ever met.

Is there something wrong with him? Well, maybe he doesn’t have the greatest sense of direction in the world. He isn’t exactly following the most direct path to your door.

But is he normal? Not by your standards. Not if “normal” means average and more or less exactly like all the other guys out there. Because if you were looking for a guy who was more or less exactly like all the other guys out there, you’d have found one by now.

That’s not what you’re looking for, is it? In fact, you’ve been out on more dates than you can count with guys who are more or less exactly like all the other guys out there, and they’re just not doing it for you.

You’re looking for that guy who seems to you to be unlike any other man you’ve ever met — and who by some amazing coincidence believes you are unlike any other woman he’s ever met. That’s about as far from a simple, “normal” guy as you can get. He’s going to celebrate all the things about you that make you different, set you apart and make his heart flutter — and you should, too.

So the next time you hear, “Are you normal?” it seems to me there’s only one good answer: Gosh, I hope not!

Whether you're normal or not, quick search to find a date from 18 to 88 — only on Match.com!

Randy B. Hecht